1st Edition: Plane Crash

Hey everyone, I’m Andrew. I am good friends with Eddie and the moderator of the Twilight of the Gods subforum. I hope you are all enjoying yourselves. Today, I am going to be writing the first of a possible series of articles. Because you, my friend, are in danger. And you don’t even know it. But fear not, because Danger is my middle name, and I am here to outline for you some possible ways to survive even situations in which death is 110% certain. Today’s worst-case scenario: a plane you are riding in is on a direct course into the side of a mountain.

Category 1: True Desperation

Survival Strategy #1: Jump out the emergency door
A classic yet underused strategy, jumping out an emergency door is a simple and trusted chance to raise your survivability rate above 0. Although jumping out a plane door is usually done with a parachute, in this case, the altitude difference between you and the mountain is probably too small for a parachute to open. To carry out this strategy, simply unbuckle your seatbelt and proceed past the wailing, praying, terrified passengers to the rear of the plane. Follow the directions on the door to open it and throw yourself into the crisp mountain air. This survival strategy works for a few reasons. One, you no longer have the force of the plane’s impact smashing your helpless body like a scrambled egg all over the mountainside. Two, there are potentially objects that can slow your fall on the way down, such as tree branches and snow. When pursuing this strategy, you may find it helpful to wear protective padding. Large, bulky jackets work best for this, as well as any motorcycle helmets you may see among the carry-on luggage in your dash to the rear.

Survival Strategy #2: Makeshift parachute
A time-intensive yet effective survival strategy, knowing which material makes for good soft landings is crucial for those attempting this on the run. Basically, what you are looking for is whatever material you can find that possesses plenty of surface area, is strong enough not to rip, and stable enough not to fold in on itself once you jump out the plane door. Trust me, I saw what happens when parachutes fold in on themselves at my physics class egg drop. That is NOT a good way to come out unscathed, let me tell you. Ideally, you would have something that resembles an actual parachute, but a load of bedsheets, an impossibly huge jacket, or a few blankets may also do the trick. Don’t bother with the complimentary airline blankets; they just aren’t meant for this sort of thing. Instead, snatch one off of a formerly sleeping, now-panicking passenger.

Survival Strategy #3: Air raft
This strategy is nigh impossible to pull off, but incredibly successful when you do it. To make it work, you must simply trigger one of the plane’s emergency slides and detach it from the plane by whatever means necessary. Ideally, these slides would have a convenient release button, but I do not believe we, the survival minded passengers, are so lucky. If detached, the air inflated slide will cushion and/or slow your fall, provided you are capable of hanging on. You must have the firepower and equipment to cut or blow away any attaching apparti. Good luck.

Category 2: Movie-style

Survival Strategy #4: Blowing a hole through the floor of the plane
Once reserved only for international superspies, this escape has become more and more available to the well-equipped survivalist. To pursue this strategy, all you need is a piece of specialized equipment capable of cutting or blowing through a thick shell of steel. A high powered laser watch or explosive gum ought to do the trick. A jackhammer might work in a pinch too. This one leaves room for creativity. Whatever method you use, though, it has to be quick. Mountainsides wait for no man.

Survival Strategy #5: Using a body as a cushion
Executed to perfection in the Bourne Identity, the idea behind this method is that a well-placed human body makes a fine cushion upon impact. Although Bourne broke his leg attempting this stunt, nobody’s perfect. Whatever happens, it’s got to be better than turning into jet fuel ash on the side of a forlorn, snowy mound of rock. Technique is key here. You need to have good balance to position your cushion well while tumbling through the air.

Survival Strategy #6: Use the superpowers you have been hiding
Well, now that we have exhausted all options possible for mere mortals, it is time to consider one final way we might escape death. Whether you secretly possess the power to create force fields, fly, teleport, or go back in time, now is a good time to use your powers to throw up some massive protection or haul butt out of that plane. I know that this will take a great deal of courage for some of you; after all, the most kickass X-Men in the classic arcade game, Nightcrawler, was such a wuss in the movie he was afraid to pop through a simple door. However, you do not have this luxury. Man up, it’s do or die time now, baby.

Well, there you have it! 6 easy ways of surviving should you find yourself on a plane heading towards a hot date with a hard piece of rock. Should you try these strategies, e-mail me and let me know how it worked out! I am always open for feedback or suggestions. And remember, if you do survive, say a quick prayer to our patron saint, Vesna Vulovic.

P.S. Evidently I forgot the mountain bike escape pictured above.