1st Edition: Plane Crash

Hey everyone, I’m Andrew. I am good friends with Eddie and the moderator of the Twilight of the Gods subforum. I hope you are all enjoying yourselves. Today, I am going to be writing the first of a possible series of articles. Because you, my friend, are in danger. And you don’t even know it. But fear not, because Danger is my middle name, and I am here to outline for you some possible ways to survive even situations in which death is 110% certain. Today’s worst-case scenario: a plane you are riding in is on a direct course into the side of a mountain.

Category 1: True Desperation

Survival Strategy #1: Jump out the emergency door
A classic yet underused strategy, jumping out an emergency door is a simple and trusted chance to raise your survivability rate above 0. Although jumping out a plane door is usually done with a parachute, in this case, the altitude difference between you and the mountain is probably too small for a parachute to open. To carry out this strategy, simply unbuckle your seatbelt and proceed past the wailing, praying, terrified passengers to the rear of the plane. Follow the directions on the door to open it and throw yourself into the crisp mountain air. This survival strategy works for a few reasons. One, you no longer have the force of the plane’s impact smashing your helpless body like a scrambled egg all over the mountainside. Two, there are potentially objects that can slow your fall on the way down, such as tree branches and snow. When pursuing this strategy, you may find it helpful to wear protective padding. Large, bulky jackets work best for this, as well as any motorcycle helmets you may see among the carry-on luggage in your dash to the rear.

Survival Strategy #2: Makeshift parachute
A time-intensive yet effective survival strategy, knowing which material makes for good soft landings is crucial for those attempting this on the run. Basically, what you are looking for is whatever material you can find that possesses plenty of surface area, is strong enough not to rip, and stable enough not to fold in on itself once you jump out the plane door. Trust me, I saw what happens when parachutes fold in on themselves at my physics class egg drop. That is NOT a good way to come out unscathed, let me tell you. Ideally, you would have something that resembles an actual parachute, but a load of bedsheets, an impossibly huge jacket, or a few blankets may also do the trick. Don’t bother with the complimentary airline blankets; they just aren’t meant for this sort of thing. Instead, snatch one off of a formerly sleeping, now-panicking passenger.

Survival Strategy #3: Air raft
This strategy is nigh impossible to pull off, but incredibly successful when you do it. To make it work, you must simply trigger one of the plane’s emergency slides and detach it from the plane by whatever means necessary. Ideally, these slides would have a convenient release button, but I do not believe we, the survival minded passengers, are so lucky. If detached, the air inflated slide will cushion and/or slow your fall, provided you are capable of hanging on. You must have the firepower and equipment to cut or blow away any attaching apparti. Good luck.

Category 2: Movie-style

Survival Strategy #4: Blowing a hole through the floor of the plane
Once reserved only for international superspies, this escape has become more and more available to the well-equipped survivalist. To pursue this strategy, all you need is a piece of specialized equipment capable of cutting or blowing through a thick shell of steel. A high powered laser watch or explosive gum ought to do the trick. A jackhammer might work in a pinch too. This one leaves room for creativity. Whatever method you use, though, it has to be quick. Mountainsides wait for no man.

Survival Strategy #5: Using a body as a cushion
Executed to perfection in the Bourne Identity, the idea behind this method is that a well-placed human body makes a fine cushion upon impact. Although Bourne broke his leg attempting this stunt, nobody’s perfect. Whatever happens, it’s got to be better than turning into jet fuel ash on the side of a forlorn, snowy mound of rock. Technique is key here. You need to have good balance to position your cushion well while tumbling through the air.

Survival Strategy #6: Use the superpowers you have been hiding
Well, now that we have exhausted all options possible for mere mortals, it is time to consider one final way we might escape death. Whether you secretly possess the power to create force fields, fly, teleport, or go back in time, now is a good time to use your powers to throw up some massive protection or haul butt out of that plane. I know that this will take a great deal of courage for some of you; after all, the most kickass X-Men in the classic arcade game, Nightcrawler, was such a wuss in the movie he was afraid to pop through a simple door. However, you do not have this luxury. Man up, it’s do or die time now, baby.

Well, there you have it! 6 easy ways of surviving should you find yourself on a plane heading towards a hot date with a hard piece of rock. Should you try these strategies, e-mail me and let me know how it worked out! I am always open for feedback or suggestions. And remember, if you do survive, say a quick prayer to our patron saint, Vesna Vulovic.

P.S. Evidently I forgot the mountain bike escape pictured above.

Finally, after what seemed like six months of waiting, There Will Be Blood finally made it out to the boondocks that is the east coast, and it was worth it. Daniel Day-Lewis will clean up at the Oscars, and if he doesn’t, I will start my own strike against the Oscars right as the WGA finishes their own.

Since I’m a bastard with little free time this semester that isn’t spent watching movies (I’m not saying I have a lot of free time, I’m saying the little free time I do have I watch movies during), I have obviously not updated recently, and this post will also be a quickie, in that I’ll mostly just post some videos and links and leave the analysis to you the viewer.

Speaking of little free time, writing all those silly little moon language characters hundreds of times kind of sucks, but I purchased a program to help me with memorization and such, though its usefulness is possibly somewhat limited:

iKana

Sadly for you little-endian plebeians (ok this doesn’t work anymore), this software is only for the greatest operating system ever, OSX.

While specifically on the topic of reading Japanese, I have come across a Japanese version of YouTube with less restrictions and more anonymity. And of course, that means more wacky zaniness that you all so desire. This Valhalla for otaku is called NicoVideo.jp. But wait, when you go, you will encounter a wall of hieroglyphics and be utterly lost in all the wavy lines. Never fear, as this thread will tell you how to proceed.

Moving onto another thing I wanted to cover, independent computer role-playing games. Tell me, what comes to mind when you watch the following game trailer?

Possibly the best game ever made, I’d say. AND NOW YOU CAN PLAY IT. Speaking of role playing games, I hope in the near future to have an update covering some of the better independent role playing games available for Mac and PC.

Finally, I’d like to hammer you with three trailers to new and upcoming films that you may or may not be interested in. First, the most promising of these three happens to be, The Forbidden Kingdom.

From watching the trailer, you can immediately see what makes this movie amazing. Yes, the two greatest Asian martial artist film stars to ever grace the shit hole that is Hollywood, Jackie Chan and Jet Li. I can’t even express to you how long I have wanted this to happen, and I eagerly anticipate the release of this film. I have my hopes held high for this film, however due to the disappointment that was War, another film that had high potential (Jet Li and Jason Statham), you can’t ever be too careful.

Some quickies include the film Mongol. Looks like it has some potential, it’s opening limited release this June (means I won’t ever get to see it). As one may assume it’s about Genghis Khan and it was filmed in Kazakhstan!

Lastly is John Woo’s Red Cliff, based on the (Romance of the) Three Kingdoms time period in China. Opinions on it are somewhat mixed, depending on people’s opinions of John Woo’s directing abilities. An additional disappointment is the lack of Chow Yun-Fat, who dropped out early on in the film’s production. Ken Watanabe is another great actor who was considered for a role but since them dern Chinese won’t let a Japanese actor play in their movie, another talent was lost.

That’s all for now, perhaps I’ll find time to update before the next full moon.

I slaved over /a/ and photoshop to bring you some Christmas cheer.

You’ve seen the show, now here’s the live action movie: Be a Man! Otokojuku The Movie.

The manliest show in the history of animation is now coming out in a live-action version! Hopefully someone subtitles this because this is a movie you will not want to miss as long as blood flows through your veins and testosterone powers your hair follicles.

So sure Crocs look like foot cheese (Swiss Emmental Foot Cheese that is), but in all seriousness as you can see from the below comparison to the left the Crocs Cayman cannot compare to the shear grotesqueness of the foot shoes on the right. The Converse Foot Shoes are malodorous, hideous, and very uncomfortable. In comparison the Caymans are only hideous, which would mean that the Crocs are, by two accounts better than the Foot Shoes. So it would seem that there exists a shoe worse then the Caymans, but how much worse are they? To find out, our investigation probed the opinions/reactions of three anonymous individuals who will from now until the end of the pseudo scientific experiment be identified as Indiv1, Indiv2, and Indiv3. So now onto the meat!

Crocs Black Cayman

Neither shoe is very visually appealing. This is what Indiv1 indicated to us after we investigated how inviting the unique appearance of each instance of shoe was. This mild mannered individual whose previous past times included viewing movies, art, and nature landscapes was changed after participating in our test (but as in all social dilemmas the sacrifice of one for the group is always viewed as the right path to take). Our tests was set up with Indiv1 being exposed to both shoes at once and picking from the two which shoe was less of an eyesore. Sadly enough we discovered there was a problem with the test though. The idea that the combined presence of the shoes might be too much of an eyesore for any single individual to absorb at once never occurred to the testing staff. Due to this oversight we send our deepest condolences and cheapest care package to Indiv1 whose sacrifice will never be forgotten by the footwear fashion community. Heres to Indiv1!

Indiv2 was and is a self-proclaimed coffee connoisseur and an individual with a particularly sensitive nose. The individual was blindfolded and exposed to the left (shoe) of each style. But, before his reaction to the footwear it might be helpful to understand the conditions of our experiment. Both shoes were obtained and maintained in a pristine state. Neither shoe was ever worn nor was either shoe exposed to an environment that the other had not. So to test the odor of one shoe against the other the individual who was blindfolded, was exposed to each shoe from a distance of one foot for approximately five minutes. The first shoe which was the Cayman conjured no reaction from our participant. Upon exposure to the second shoe this same individual began to involuntarily vomit and scratch at his face. After the ordeal this comment was made about the second shoe, “What in holy Helena’s hell did you place in that room! I felt my nostrils melt and my lungs gelling! The first five minutes were fine, but the second set of time darn near killed my children’s children!”. Needless to say we took this as a point for the Caymans.

The hideous Foot Shoes

After being exposed to both shoes in a double blind, triple false, pacing experiment Indiv3 made the following remarks about the Caymans (the second shoe worn): “At first it seemed as if I was walking on mutilated mammal flesh. The shoes were warm with no firm support and had this awkward habit of sticking to my socks. In comparison the shoes I have on now are similar to plodding through aged cool whip. After each step the form of the shoe returns to its original state and this is good because it offers a soft step but firm support. These shoes are definitely the real deal”. This testimony seems to support the statement that Caymans are better than Foot shoes when it comes to comfort. Upon the conclusion of this test we had collected enough information that yes indeed our hypothesis was confirmed and the Caymans have one upped the Foot Shoes and proven not to be the worst shoe of them all.

Now you might say my argument is asinine maybe absurd and I am aware that individuals are entitled to their respective opinions about fashion, but in all seriousness can anyone refute the statement that the Foot Shoes are overall less appealing than the Crocs Caymans? If you think you can I implore you to hit up the comment box box box. Oh and as a side note this is a totally fictional idea.

Turkish Delight

Without aid from some sort of reference one cannot easily describe the amazing treat known as loukoum, (Turkish Delight). Personally I would describe the confectionery to have a texture slightly more course then that of dry jello, a flavor that is not of excessive sweetness, and a unique translucent color that depending on the way you look at it has an occasional tint. Should one venture to wikipedia for a more through definition loukoum is identified as, “a confection made from starch and sugar. It is often flavored with rosewater and lemon, the former giving it a characteristic pale pink color. It has a soft, jelly-like and sometimes sticky consistency, and is often packaged and eaten in small cubes that are dusted with sugar or copra to prevent sticking.” So unique is the treat that it comes in approximately fourteen different flavors.
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The following is an in-depth analysis of shock sites and shock media, and how much they shock. They will be rated from one to ten in shock factor. Young children, catholic nuns, and lawyers need not view the following. Shock by shock, I will take each one for the team, and prepare all of my fellow internetians for when they encounter one of these unexpectedly.

Here, my friends, is some of the worst the internet currently has to offer (That is, legally). I do not wish to delve into some of the more risky material that is available on the internet, which would make even Sylvester Stallone falter, if just for a moment.

Goatse
Perhaps the one that started it all, Goatse has recieved the most media attention out of all shock media on the internet. Originally goatse.cx, the mighty power of the law caused the original site to go down, but the image persists to this day, on other mirrors, and in the eyes and hearts of the many who succumbed to its glory.
There’s no light on the end of that tunnel.
Rating: 53% gay

Lemon Party
At first glance one could hypothesize that this web page is a harmless portrayal of a party between lemons. This person would actually be correct, though not to their own benefit. Dictionary.com reports a lemon as being a yellow oval fruit with juicy acidic flesh. Perhaps I chose the wrong definition, but it still works in my explanation. I am not exactly sure on what testicles taste like, but should they contain a pH of below 7, one could argue that testicles are yellow and oval, and perhaps a fruit as they contain seeds. I would ask that this argument never be made, however.
It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.
Rating: 100% sure it’s gay

Meat Spin
Meatspin holds a special place in my heart. Kind of like that one flash video that was guaranteed to make you laugh, Meatspin just has that quirky personality that causes you to become addicted. Perhaps its the song, perhaps its the spinning. Kind of like someone with epilepsy around flashing colors, Meatspin has spinning meat, and a classic 80’s tune.
You spin me right round baby right round.
Rating: 80% chance I would listen to it just for the song.

2 Girls 1 Cup
2 girls 1 cup starts out just fine, a video of two inbred girls getting it on, yee haw. But that’s when the breast milk turns a little sour. What was some lesbian action degrades into some one-on-one shit eating. Yes, you are subjected to one cup, mind you, of shit, and 2 girls. So actually, you can’t really complain about having seen the site, because in this case the url was quite correct. It is what is in the cup that is of the greatest importance. I like to pretend that the two girls are Graham Chapman and Terry Gilliam, and they’re after the holy grail.
I always liked Rocky Road.
Rating: 80% shitty

Mr. Hands (More Info | Watch Video)
Though not a shock site, Mr. Hands is special in that he is the first man to ever die from being anally penetrated by a gigantic horse phallus. Indeed, the Equine flesh saber has been used for many things, but few men have ever withstood its raw power. Mr. Hands was the first man to ever be recorded doing such an act, and for this, he shall forever be remembered.
Ride on, black stallion.
Rating: 100% the worst colonoscopy ever

Swap.avi
Perhaps best told by the purveyors themselves, it is the most glorious of videos. Long story short, several years ago, $500 was raised by the members of SomethingAwful forums to pay several Brazilian girls to swap a certain substance in a school classroom. Well that substance was shit and vomit, and it has the prestige of possibly being the most gruesome footage that the internet has produced to date. That didn’t stop me. If you note I have not linked you to the video. Being rather difficult to find these days, rather than host it myself, I would prefer to leave this, for those of you who are strong enough, as a quest to undertake, should you be so inclined to find it. Thus ends my long run-on sentence.
Scatterrific!
Rating: 100% dookie

The following are some short ones that I didn’t feel like typing up and/or are just networked shock sites of the ones above. The ones above are the most prominent today.

Tubgirl - Girl doodoo in bathtub. Defunct.
Blink-182 - This shit is bananas.
Your Mom - Your mom and a song.
Yellaface - I don’t feel like looking.
Stagparty - Meh.
Whoomp - This one’s not so bad if you like nerf.
Macory - Try and catch me riding dirty.
The Willpower - What you dream of doing.

Welcome to Tenkai.net. The site has just recently become operational, and from now on, Allen and I will attempt to provide you with content that will hopefully interest you. It appears many of our referrers are from back in the golden years when this site was an anime direct download site. However, ’tis been several years since then, and we are that no longer. However, that isn’t to say I won’t be adding something to cater to you folk…

Anyway, we hope to bring you anything and everything related to anime, gaming, movies, technology, music and whatever the hell else we feel like. Because we like forcing our interests on other people. 

Check it out anywhereCD is having a going out of business sale! Most CDs are $7 which is much better than the 10-18 $ you’ll find elsewhere.  Oh, and for one CD shipping was 3$ last time I checked.

http://www.anywherecd.com/mp3/home1